Wednesday, March 3, 2010

NYI Classifieds

FOR SALE – SOLD – LARGE-BODIED NHL DEFENSEMAN. Surprisingly mobile and good hands for size. Good soldier, may not stay around past springtime. Some wear and tear.

FOR SALE – SHOOTOUT SPECIALIST – Fleet-footed part-time NHL winger. Laser-like wrist shot. Good pedigree. Will score at the AHL level. Some rust.

FOR SALE – VETERAN #1 GOALTENDER – "Lot 1A" Savvy presence in net. Capable of leading team deep into the playoffs. Battle tested, prospers under heavy workload. Atrophies in presence of "Lot 1C" or equivalent.

FOR SALE – VETERAN #1 GOALTENDER – "Lot 1B" Respected and adored by peers. Priced to move. Bags packed and ready to move since September. Also experienced as a No. 2 and No. 3.

FOR SALE – VETERAN #1 GOALTENDER – "Lot 1C" Refurbished former NHL All-Star. Dedicated and tireless worker. Not afraid to make a commitment. Been in the shop a few times. Palatable cap hit, when healthy. Service records currently "misplaced."

FOR SALE – FINNISH FLASH – Young forward with size, hands, and speed. Total package power forward. Slight fear of success. "Poised for breakout."

FOR SALE – VETERAN GRINDER – Winger with agitation mode. One-time 17-goal-scorer. Knee only two years old. Will dominate in AHL. "Depth."

WANTED TO BUY – 2010 AND 2011 DRAFT PICKS As many as possible. Preferably in third round or better. Will pay in cash.

WANTED TO BUY – GOALTENDER – Warm body, possibly two, needed to fill net for remainder of 2009-10 season. Must be prepared to play every night, or not at all.

WANTED TO BUY – YOUR FULL CAP SPACE – Collector with openings in storage. Will accept your bloated contracts for "high-quality draft incentives." We'll turn your mistakes into our roster-hole plugs!